Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
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Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”