*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
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So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
<- sleeps well with others
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.