was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
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My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Is….Is this an option?
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
new wife guy just dropped
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
lmaaaaaooooooooo
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting