“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
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A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.