How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
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People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
This is I, Robot all over again
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers