When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
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Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
what
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
seems like a niche market
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.