Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
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<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.