*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
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For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
I cannot stop laughing at this
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…