My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
You Might Also Like
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm