A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
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Super Hand Dog Face
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT