If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
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My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
She puts the hot in psychotic
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.