Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
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Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.