I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
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‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”