DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
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Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious