FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
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Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Always
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.