With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
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I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator