The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
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“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.