The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
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The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.