Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
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#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
twitter users today:
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Rambo Rambow
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM