Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
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I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first