Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
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Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God