Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
You Might Also Like
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Breaking news:
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
I
T
H
I
N
KW
ES
H
O
U
L
DR
U
I
NP
E
O
P
L
E
ST
I
M
E
L
I
N
EB
YT
W
E
E
T
I
N
GL
I
K
ET
H
I
SA
L
LD
A
Y
.
.
.
.
.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”