They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
You Might Also Like
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
If only
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
December birthdays be like…
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.