one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
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when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”