I created you as mosquito food.
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Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
buying dead houseplants to save time
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.