got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
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Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here