Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
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[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Duolingo getting serious.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂