‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
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TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Just a reminder, folks:
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago