Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
You Might Also Like
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
I am HOWLING at this
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.