My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
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“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
oh good, now I can stop drinking
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting