I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
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texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail