No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
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me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?