I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
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Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Dune (2021)
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there