Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
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If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes