Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
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doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Harsh but fair
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
I hate when that happens.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
HELP 😭
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza