2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
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me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare