Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
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Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?