*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
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DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”