Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
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I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.