Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
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When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.