me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
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For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
The three genders.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.