Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha