(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
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Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie