I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
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Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”