I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
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Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’