my professor scared me for a second
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ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Tremendous stuff
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”