[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
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“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
the simulation is moving too fast
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*