Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
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I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.