Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
You Might Also Like
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
My time has come.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana