Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
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This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.